Manly stuff.

It crossed my mind today that I might be getting a little too much in touch with my feminine side. In fact, I fear I'm so closely in touch with it that I'm giving it a hot bath replete with candles, salts and Dido on the tune box. Good gods. If this carries on much longer I'll be more 'camp' dad than 'fat' dad. I'D be much happier, not to say comfortable, with being fat dad. Once you're in your 30s, it's far more acceptable to wear ill-fitting jeans due to back fat rather than be sleek in a snug pair of nut crunchers.

What's brought this on? At my last job, I worked for the Maternity Department of a large teaching hospital. Nothing wrong with that - I enjoyed it immensely. But working with midwives and obstetricians did give me a more graphic insight into what most blokes happily close their minds to as 'women's problems'. But it was my job to understand the safety ranges of post-partum bladder care, for example, and be interested in the various stages of labour. In such an environment, one can't help but ... sympathise a bit ... be a bit more ... sensitive.

And now? I work for a jewellery company, selling produce for women that often accompanies the production of the child, one way or another. And it was in the course of today's work that I was compelled to find out whether British women say 'nail varnish' or 'nail polish'. And now I know; that's they're essentially interchangeable. This is not knowledge that, by rights, I should know. But I do. And I fear for the future .. I really do.

Why? Because I'm living in a country where the men wear scarves bigger than rolls of carpet, where there are whole department shops dedicated to 'men wear' and, most tellingly, there's no rugby.

I dare not call any of the blokes. Imagine if it went wrong: I couldn't take it if Fat Mate was too busy to talk because he was getting his backs waxed, or if Royal Marine Mate was having his nails done, unlikely though it is. But calling them to discuss my feelings would be a big no-no anyway; even thinking about it is questionable. Time to watch 'Master and Commander' and relive the glories of Martin Johnson in his prime on Youtube. I suppose I have carried two heavy object today (a freezer and a dryer) with my brother in law, which was quite manly, and I put up shelves yesterday .... But it's small beer though isn't it? Small beer indeed: so small it's dwarfed by a lager-top.

Ah, the irony is bitter, bitter ....

An unusual magic eye.

Munich's Friedensengel stands in the Europaplatz. A statuesque ode to peace. If you approach it from the banks of the river Isar via the main underpass, you will notice a wide and colourful variety of graffiti; some political, some music-related, but all carefully and lovingly painted. If you take the first staircase out of the underpass to the Friedensengel, you will see this brightly coloured bird:

Lovely.

If, after inspecting the column, you decide to resume your stroll along the Isar, you might choose to return to the bank-side via the second of the two staircases which links Europaplatz to the subway. You would then see the above bird's companion, painted onto the wall in a mirror image of its twin:

Once seen, it is very difficult to un-see.

Clever graffiti vandal...

Munich: some nice bits.

I might have been a little harsh on Munich in a recent post.* I stand by every. single. word. As psycho as some of my fellow Munchenites are on the street or behind the wheel, however, I've encountered lots of niceness too.

1. Friendliness. You'll never be lonely in a bar, cafe, or any public area: talking to strangers is a way of life here. You'll find yourself included in other peoples' conversations (whether you understand them or not) and strangers comment loudly and inclusively on all sorts of public goings-on. Sit in a beer house and you'll be elbow-to-elbow with all types who are eager to chat and practise their English. Ok, you might sometimes not want to be disturbed, but it's probably better on balance to have it this way around than the other.

2. Pace of life. Munich's not called the 'big village' just because it's pretty small. It's also got a leisurely pace of life. I do realise that, in comparison to London, most places do have a less frenetic beat (I say this as a native of the Big Red, as I call my home town)

but it's a noticeable feature of Munich life.

Good for the blood pressure.

3. Generous with books. Boxes of books placed outside homes

with the invitation to take them for free are quite a common sight.

4. Animal-friendly. Munich people take their dogs everywhere, and most places are very happy to accommodate them. From dog-blankets in cafes, to 'dog parking places' at establishments which prefer the canines to stay outside, few hounds will experience anything other than a happy welcome.

* NB Although Munich is be the capital of Bavaria, it's still widely regarded by other Bavarians as not proper Bavaria - a similar relationship to that between London and the rest of England. But nothing unites a 'proper' Bavarian and a Munich-Bavarian than Germany. I'm essentially living in Germany's version of Scotland ...

Green ink time.

NB this post is all a bit 'green ink' so fair warning ...

Hugh Grant's allegations that the 'Mail on Sunday' hacked his phone has at least exposed one terrible truth at the heart of this mucky affair: as if we didn't know already, the MoS employs a range of people who don't take care to use English properly.

Shame.

The MoS said it "utterly refutes" his claim, which it described as "smears".

Refutes? You mean you can prove that the claims are wrong?

No?

Then you mean REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTSREJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS REJECTS aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If the national press can't get it right, betraying the legacy of one of their own greatest writers in the process, what hope is there?!?!?!?! FOR THE BLESSED LOVE OF OUR SWEET LORD ABOVE will someone teach these professionals their job ...

Yes I know 'refute' is accepted to mean 'reject' in common usage (the so-called 'second usage') but that's not the point.

Sob.

The gentleman explorer's guide to nowhere.

'National Geographic.' It's got a certain old-school charm: propeller aeroplanes, piles of dusty leather luggage. A brandy on the veranda. The look of the film 'The English Patient. But, like that film, it slips too often into sentimentality and irrelevance.

The current issue, Nov 2011, features an interesting-looking article about the body of the Neolithic iceman found in 1991 in the Italian Alps. Great! Then I read an imaginative recreation of the Ice Man's last moments under the heading 'HE DID NOT KNOW THE MEAL HE ATE WOULD BE HIS LAST.'

He did not know his meal was to be his last? Who does, unless you're on death row? Or Jesus?

Then there's an article about the origins of the Staffordshire Hoard - Anglo-Saxon treasure found in 2009. This might or might not be connected to the new NG book on the treasure, but everyone needs to make a living, so .... But why shoe-horn Hadrian's Wall, built by the Romans approximately 500 years before the Hoard was buried, into this article? The Saxons weren't even a gleam in the randy Romans' eyes at this point. Even worse, why quote the Roman historian Tacitus on the 'Germanic character'? The quickest google search gives you 'The complete corpus of Anglo-Saxon poetry' so even the laziest journo should have 5 minutes to find something that is relevant to the people and period of time they are writing about. It's even easy to find early German literature in translation if the hack is feeling adventurous ...

And why recycle lazy, unqualified observations on medieval beliefs in 'magic'? The 'common belief' that 'malicious elves shot darts' at people? Please. Maybe to scare the kiddies, but these people weren't stupid - and were no more gullible than us modern lot. And what about the Staffordshire hoard itself, which includes Christian crosses and a Biblical inscription in Latin. Unless you're a dedicated atheist, it's hard to see this as evidence of 'magic' (NB not defined in the article, either).

NG should have top-notch text to accompany its invariably beautiful photographs. It has a big profile and could carry some serious clout. And it ain't cheap to buy. As it is, too much of the journalism is lazy, sub-standard and, frankly, sloppy. This is a shame since it covers exactly the subjects I'd like to know more about. Some of it is really good, but,too often when I read NG, I think it's a waste of the trees for which it says it is campaigning.

5 things I dislike about Bavaria.

NB it’s mostly all good! But nothing’s perfect – not even Munich, as much as it likes to think it is ....

1. Munchenites, as a group. Most Germans I’ve met are friendly, funny, amiable and pleasant. And they’ve pretty much all said the same thing: the schicki-micki people in Munich are a total pain in the arse. They were largely right. As a group, the Munchener is extremely hard to like. I’ve never come across a more moany, grumpy, stuck-up bunch of peacocks. Polite requests to stand aside to let you off the train are met with an eruption of bitter chuntering at your outrageous intrusion into their private rights, freedoms and thoughts. And, like a hippo heading to water, the Munchener will attempt to march right through you if you’re standing between them, and where they want to go. I.e. everyone has right of way, and this is jealously, aggressively asserted.

As for the peacock element: Zoolander would love this place. I’ve never really made my peace with the ‘man scarf’ but Munich’s the place to go if you want a whole shop floor dedicated to them. Plus another department store shop floor dedicated to man accessories. Shocking. But the second thing which really grinds my gears about Bavaria is ...

2. The driving. The autobahns are famous for essentially having no enforced speed limit (although 130 kph is the ‘advised’ autobahn speed). This is great – you can get where you’re going as fast as possible, and no-one gets fined. Everybody’s happy, right? Wrong.

Despite this freedom, a German / Bavarian is rarely more angry than when behind the wheel of their car. You might thing that at 150, 160, 170 kph, you’re not in anyone’s way. But then your rear-view mirror is suddenly full of a red-faced driver snarling from behind the wheel of his white BMW, flashing his lights less than a metre (3 ft) from your backside. Or said nutter might not bother with this and proceed to undertake you whilst gesticulating furiously as he flies by at 200 kph +. Or, weirdly, take a photo on his i-phone while he’s doing it [eyes on the road friend,!!!] Or .... I could go on.

Driving in the city or country is no different. It’s just slower, which allows more time for shouting, gesticulating, snarling and hyper-macho auto-mobile posturing. Men and women – bad as each other. And don’t think you’re safe on foot either. The visceral and voluble hatred between pedestrian and cyclist, cyclist and car driver, and car and pedestrian, is quite something to behold. Narky old London / Essex drivers have got nothing on these guys.

3. Munich’s restaurant service. With a few exceptions, most of the waiters and waitresses I’ve encountered in Munich (NB not the rest of Bavaria) are definitely on the frosty side. Too cool for school? At the age of 50? O.M.G. I can kind of understand this in view of their clientele (see point 1 above), but it’s not nice to be ignored. Nor is it pleasant to be gawped at by a slack-jawed gawker. Nor is it reassuring to see their first evidence of a smile when being presented with the bill. Thanks for leaving! But that’s not universally the case, however; and the food is generally good.

4. Supermarkets: bugger all in them. Come back Morrisons / Tesco / Sainsbury’s and – I always liked you in the first place! Even you, Waitrose. Even, especially, you.

5. IT’S TOO TIDY. Which brings out all my worst tendencies. Simply, this extreme level of tidiness makes me want to mess things up. Or let me put it this way. If Munich was a child and went to school in England, it would be called ‘Briefcase wanker!’ and be given an enormous wedgie. Deserved.

I have so far resisted the temptation of running around the city, hollering out this particular war-cry and attempting, somehow, to wedgie it. But it might be only a matter of time ...

5 things I like about Bavaria.

1. Food. It doesn’t matter where you go, a decent plate of tasty food at a reasonable price is not far away. And if you pass through central Munich, there's a whole market dedicated to it. Don’t forget to pack your extra loose jeans...

2. The weather. I like the cold; whenever London throws up yet another sticky, muggy autumn, I feel sorely cheated. Bavaria gets properly cold, seemingly without fail, year in, year out. Minus 15 at Christmas is pretty regular. Today it’s a arse chilling 0^o celcius. Brrrrrrr. Fr-fr-freezi-i-i-ingly pleasant.

3. Munich's public transport system. It's very regular, easy to use and, due to the fact that only 1.3 million people live in Munich, it’s not that crowded. The need to ‘Harry Houdini’ myself into a tiny gap on the train/ tube is now just a holiday treat.

5 4. It's very pretty.

5 5. The people, on a personal basis. Most people I have met are friendly, pleasant to talk to and good fun. They have also been very accepting of the colourful variety of my German language failings, the most spectacular of which was asking for a ‘Scheide’ (‘vagina’) instead of ‘Scheibe’ (slice) of pork. Ye gods, that was embarrassing.

.

People, people everywhere ....

When you were born, you were the:4,417,598,804thperson alive on Earth78,986,494,204thperson to have lived since history began

You are 31, male and living in Germany

You were the 4,417,598,804th person

Germany

Your country's population is 82,302,465

Your life expectancy is 77.2 years

What's next? The global population will continue to increase during your lifetime and beyond, reaching 10 billion by 2083. However, the rate of growth is expected to slow. Little of the current growth is happening in developed countries like yours.

Longer lives: Working-age people like you will be supporting increasing numbers of older people during the next decades. By 2050, there will be just 2.2 people of working age supporting every person aged 65 or older in the developed world. In Europe, this will drop to just two.

Battle for resources: It is estimated that your group of the richest countries consumes double the resources used by the rest of the world. The UN estimates that if current population and consumption trends continue, by the 2030s we will need the equivalent of two Earths to support us.

Did you know? The average family size globally has declined by half since 1950 - from five children in to the current 2.5.

192 people

the amount the population has grown while you've been on this site

CRICKEY!!! Nearly 7 billion of us. Find out where you stand in the grand scheme of things on the BBC website here.

Wash at 30 degrees*

Steve Jobs and Apple gets a fair amount of grief from various quarters, some of deserved, some not.

However.

On Friday, I sent my lovely 5th gen i-pod nano (green!) through the wash at 30 degrees. Mein Gott in Himmel was I annoyed. But, three days later, it works! It works it works it works!!!!!

So that's two 10km races, 1 half marathon, 1 marathon, associated training for all of these, plus a washing machine tumble. Stylish and robust. Very very niiiiiice.

*NB don't wash at all for preference.

Notting Hill Carnival, or, the case of the missing 'The'.

Every year.

Every year it's "Carnival" this and "Carnival" that .... it's THE carnival! THE!!!! What's wrong with the definite article? Who has it p'd off and why?! It's not like the carnival (see! it works!) has Russian origins is it (e.g. 'open door')? Every year!!! THE carnival! THHHHHHHHHHE!!!!!!!! Gnaaarrrgh it drives me maaad!!!!

I'll get my coat .......